A Christmas Comedy
by angelsinstead
Summary: This Christmas comedy story is based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live including Irene, Victor, Tea, Todd, Tina, etc.   Irene invites all of her children and grandchildren over for Christmas dinner.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: This Christmas comedy story is based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live. I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

Please forgive me for what I fear is a sappy ending. :-)

~*~o~*~

It was Christmas Eve on Llantano Mountain, and Irene Manning was having her whole family over for Christmas dinner in her new home. She had just finished putting the final touches on the tree, and she had a Christmas ham baking in the oven. "Ohhh, I can't wait till Todd, Victor, Tea, Tina, and Cord get here with ALL the kids!" she said with excitement as she clapped her hands together gleefully. She had done her best to convince her kids that she had given up her evil ways when she had settled down in Llanview to be closer to her family. Even so, her kids were reluctant to come to her house for Christmas dinner as they didn't trust her and feared the get-together would lead to some sort of disaster.

Just then the doorbell rang. "That must be my first guests!" exclaimed Irene as she ran over to the door and tugged it open.

There in the doorway stood Tina and Cord. "Hello, Mother," Tina said to Irene. "We are here for your Christmas party, and we brought your darling grand-dog along as well."

Irene looked down to see David Vickers cradled in Tina's embrace. "Ohhh if it isn't your hairy little flea-bitten dogling!" spoke Irene with disgust.

"Mother, don't talk about David Vickers that way," Tina said as she covered her doggy's delicate little ears. "She'll hear you!"

"Sorry, Tina. Do come in," Irene said graciously as she showed Tina and Cord into her lovely home.

"Your house is very nice. Thank you for inviting us," said Cord as he stood in front of the huge Christmas tree.

"It's wonderful. But where are all the guests?" Tina asked.

"Victor, Todd, and Tea should be here soon with all my dear, sweet little grandchildren," Irene answered.

"Ohhh yes, they are all just so darling," Tina said, rolling her eyes. Just what kind of drugs was her mother taking?

Just then, there was another knock at the door. "Have a glass of egg nog and some yummy fruit cake," Irene said to Cord and Tina. "I'll go answer the door."

Irene left Tina and Cord in the living room and rushed over to the door. Sure enough, Victor, Tea, and Dani were standing in the doorway, and Tea was holding her new baby in her arms. "Ohhh dear, sweet Dani. Come over and give your dearest Granny a big ole hug," Irene prompted her granddaughter.

Dani looked at her grandmother warily. "I think I will pass," she quietly responded.

"It's nice to see you are back from the dead, son," Irene said as she pinched Victor's cheeks repeatedly.

"Don't touch me, old hag," Victor warned.

"Is that any way to talk to your mother?" Irene crooned. She then settled her attention onto Tea and the baby.

"Come in and let me see my little namesake," Irene encouraged.

Tea entered the foyer along with Dani and Victor. "Irene, we didn't name the baby after you," Tea informed her.

"What? And I thought you LOVED me!" Irene gasped as she gave Victor a pouty little look.

Looking at the baby girl, Irene smiled. "Ohhh, she's sooooo much cuter than Tina's hairy, little dog!" Irene exclaimed.

"Well, I would hope so," Tea huffed with an annoyed frown. She hugged her newborn daughter closer, wondering why they had even showed up at Irene's stupid Christmas party. The woman was clearly 'looney tunes.'

"Come in and have some fruit cake and a glass of delicious egg nog," Irene prompted, wrapping an arm around Dani.

"Is it poisoned?" Dani asked suspiciously.

"I sure hope not, because I just ate some. It was so good," spoke Tina as Victor, Tea, and Dani joined Tina and Cord at the refreshment table.

"Would I poison my family?" Irene asked, batting her eyelashes and trying to look all sweet and innocent.

"YES!" everyone said at once.

"You tried to kill us with a bomb, evil grandmother," Dani reminded.

"Awwww... let's leave that bad experience in the past. Now we have a fresh new start," Irene said with a little laugh. "I have given up my evil ways... and I just adore my family!"

A look passed between the Victor and Tea, because they really didn't know what to think. Suddenly then the doorbell rang once again. "Ohhh that must be Todd!" Irene cried out with excitement. "I just can't wait to see my darling little Toddy-kins."

"Toddy-kins?" Tea said with a strange look upon her face.

"Your mother must have had a bad batch of egg nog," Cord said to Tina as Irene rushed off to answer the door.

Irene threw open the door to see Todd, Starr, Jack, Sam, and Hope standing in the doorway. "Come in... come in out of the cold," Irene urged.

"I hope we are not too late for the Christmas ham," Todd said, considering the food was the main reason he had agreed to come to his mother's for Christmas.

"Ohhh no, you are just in time. I was just getting ready to take it out of the oven," answered Irene.

She then reached over to pinch Jack's cheeks, just as she had pinched Victor's. "Hello, my boy. Do you recognize your sweet, little ole grandma?"

Jack was weirded out by her creepiness and tried to hide behind Starr. Even Hope was freaked out by Irene and started to whimper. "Don't cry, little Pretzel," Irene crooned to her great-granddaughter.

"It's Peanut... not Pretzel," Todd spoke up.

"Forgive me, Toddy-kins. I must be getting a bit senile in my old age," Irene said with a laugh and a little snort.

"Where are my Christmas gifts?" Sam asked Irene. "Did you buy me a Spiderman?"

"The gifts are under the tree. Go in and take a look at them. Your dad and your step-mommy are in there right now drinking some egg nog," Irene said to Sam. Sam ran off toward the living room as Todd, Irene, and the others followed close behind. Soon Irene had all of her Christmas guests in one room.

"I'm so glad you all could make it," Irene spoke up. "I know I have been a horrible, poor-excuse for a mother and grandmother, but I vow all of that is gonna change. I adore my family soooo much!"

"Can we eat now?" Todd spoke up.

"When can we open presents?" questioned Sam.

"Let's go in the dining room and have our Christmas ham," suggested Irene. "After dinner, we will all open our gifts."

"Come into the dining room, everyone," Irene encouraged. "I'll go fetch the Christmas ham from the oven."

Tea followed Victor and Todd into the diningroom. Everyone else entered the dining room as well. Soon they were all seated at the huge dining table. It was decorated with fancy red candles and elegant plates and silverware. "I'm starved," Todd stated as he looked down at his empty plate.

Irene came in from the kitchen, carrying an immense ham situated upon a platter. She set it down upon the table and proceeded to withdraw a wicked-looking kitchen knife she kept hidden in her clothing. "Ohhh no, Cord. Mother's got a knife!" Tina exclaimed. Tina looked ready to jump up from the table at any minute in case her mother suddenly went psycho.

"How else am I supposed to cut the ham?" Irene asked as she started waving the knife around menacingly. She had a psychotic look in her eye as she thrust the knife deep into the slab of ham.

"Our grandmother is mental," Jack said under his breath to Starr.

"Be quiet, Jack. I wanna eat," remarked Todd. He reached for some bread as Irene placed a slice of ham upon his plate. He was ready to make a sandwich.

"Ohhh this looks so good," Todd stated as he got ready to devour the delicious meat and bread.

Irene worked quickly, slicing up the rest of the Christmas ham and handing out the various pieces to the members of her family. Soon everyone had a generous slice. "What about little David Vickers?" Tina asked as she looked over at her doggy who was seated in the chair right next to hers. David Vickers was wearing a bib that said, "Grandma's Little Grand-dog."

"Get your dog's hairy little ASS out of my dining room!" Irene exclaimed, glaring at David Vickers.

"Mother! How dare you speak to your only grand-dog that way?" Tina said tearfully, hugging David Vickers after she rose from the table.

"Really, Tina... your mother does have a point. Why don't you take David Vickers into the living room and give her some of her delicious Doggy Bacon Snacks?" Cord suggested as he tried to keep the peace. "After dinner, we'll all go into the living room and open our presents."

"Well, alright..." Tina spoke with reluctance, carrying little David Vickers into the living room. When she got there, she gave her precious pooch some of her doggy treats.

"Go pee on the Christmas tree," Tina told her little dog.

David Vickers panted happily and then went to raise her hairy little leg, peeing in a stready stream all over Irene's tree. "Good doggy," Tina praised, giving David Vickers another tasty treat.

After the yummy Christmas dinner, Irene called the whole family into the livingroom to open gifts. "What's this?" Victor asked, looking at his gift suspiciously. "Mine's ticking."

"My gift is ticking, too!" Tea gasped.

"You all got alarm clocks?" Irene said with a cute little laugh.

Jack opened his present. "Mine's a bomb!" Jack exclaimed.

"I got a bomb, too!" Starr cried out.

"And I got a LITTLE bomb," said Sam with disappointment. "This ISN'T a Spiderman!"

"My gift is too small to be a bomb," Todd spoke with a shrug.

He upwrapped his gift, finding a small rectangular box. Looking around him, he noticed that all of his family members had received a bomb. "What did I get?" Todd questioned his mother.

"Why don't you open it and see?" Irene encouraged.

Todd opened the little box, uncovering a long silver key upon a chain. "What's this?" Todd asked his mother.

"It's the key to your heart," responded Irene.

"And you're weirder than hell," Victor said to Irene.

Suddenly Irene let out a little shriek, seeing Tina's little dog peeing all over her tree. "Get that nasty little bitch out of my house!" Irene screamed at Tina.

"David Vickers isn't the bitch, Mother... you are," Tina responded, picking up David Vickers and kissing her fluffy little head.

"Isn't anyone here the least bit freaked out that we got bombs for our Christmas gifts?" Tea asked as she looked around the room.

"They aren't REAL bombs," Irene reassured her family. "They're fake ones... for old time's sake!"

"The party's over," stated Victor as he stood up to leave. He'd had enough of his creepy mother.

"No, Victor, you can't leave yet!" Irene called out. "Not until I introduce you to your new stepfather!"

"My new what?" Victor demanded.

Just then Mitch Lawrence walked into the room, wrapping his arm around Irene with affection. He gave her a long, passionate kiss. "I think I'm gonna be sick..." Todd mumbled.

"Todd, Victor, Tina, I'd like you to meet your new Step-Daddy, Mitch Lawrence," Irene introduced.

Everyone in the family stared at Mitch and Irene in vivid disgust. "And in seven months time, you'll all be getting a brand new baby brother... or sister!" Irene told her children quite proudly.

"Ohhh God, how?" Tina gasped.

"We created our new little baby in my lab," Irene stated, patting her stomach.

Todd was appalled when he heard the news. "You're gonna have your own little Frankenstein," he commented to his mother.

"You mustn't talk that way about your own little sister or brother," Irene scolded.

"I have enough horrible siblings already, thank you very much," Todd said as he glanced over at Tina and Victor. "Why did you have to go and make more?"

"Thank you for having us over for Christmas, but we really must be going now," Tea said as she bundled up the baby and took Dani's hand.

"Come on, Victor. Let's go," Tea urged her husband.

"Yeah, let's go home," Victor agreed as he stood up and prepared to leave.

"Thank you for coming, Son," Irene said as she ran up to him and tried to slobber on his cheek.

He pushed her away and headed toward the door. "Good bye," he said. "And don't call me ever again."

"Have a good Christmas!" Irene called out as Tea, Victor, and Dani walked out.

"Can we leave, too?" Sam asked Starr. "The evil grandma's presents are lame."

"Yeah, let's go home and watch The Grinch on T.V.," Jack suggested.

"Dad, Jack and I are taking Hope and Sam home now," Starr told her father. "Are you coming with us?"

"I'll be there later. I need to have a few words with my mother," Todd stated as he stared down at the little silver key in his hand.

Irene smiled at her son knowingly, then blew kisses to Starr, Jack, and the little ones. "Bye bye, my lovelies," she said as they hurried off through the front door.

"Well, Mother ... Cord, David Vickers, and I must be going as well. She needs to get to bed early tonight. Santa's coming," Tina said as she reached for her darling little dog. "David Vickers, give your Grandmommy a kiss."

David Vickers proceeded to lick Irene all over her face. Irene did everything in her power not to throw a hissy fit as the little dog slobbered all over her. "Just take your wretched little dog and go!" Irene finally hissed.

"Thanks for the lovely dinner, Mother... and the awful gifts," Tina said as she and Cord headed out the door.

"Yeah... yeah... just go..." Irene said with a dismissing wave of her hand.

After Tina and Cord had left, Todd was the only guest remaining. "It's just you and me, Son... and your stepfather," stated Irene.

"I don't like the looks of him," spoke Todd as he gave Mitch a glare.

"Mitch, go warm up the whips and chains. I'll be upstairs in a few minutes," Irene said, giving her husband a sexy wink.

Todd frowned in disgust as Mitch left the room. "What's with the key?" Todd asked as he dangled it upon it's chain.

"I told you... it's the key to your heart..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Todd demanded.

"Come down in the basement... and I'll show you," responded Irene as she approached the basement stairs.

"What's in the basement?" asked Todd.

"It's my new lab," Irene replied as she lead Todd downstairs.

Todd did a double-take, seeing the lab Irene had set up underneath her home. "Are you still practicing your evil experiments?" Todd asked as he took a look around the lab.

"See for yourself," said Irene as she lead him over toward a set of doors.

"What the hell? What's behind the doors?" Todd asked.

Irene pointed to the key Todd held upon the chain. "Unlock them and find out," she told her son.

Todd took the key, inserting it within the first lock. When he turned the key, the lock clicked. Cautiously, Todd pulled the door open to find an injured Patrick Thornhart. The man was headless and nearly dead.

Todd gave his mother a questioning look. "What's behind the second door?" asked Todd as he inserted the long key into the lock.

"Your heart's greatest desire," answered Irene.

After he unlocked the second door, Todd pulled it open. Todd discovered an injured Marty behind Door Number Two. "What did you do to her?" Todd demanded of his mother as he lifted Marty into his arms.

"I'm just giving you your Christmas wish, Todd," Irene said with a little shrug. "That's what you wanted, wasn't it, Todd... to be reunited with Marty?"

"Yeah, but not like this... She's barely breathing."

"What's behind the 3rd door?" Todd asked of his mother.

"It's your destiny, Son. Are you going to take it... or just let it go?" responded Irene.

Todd opened the third door, cradling Marty in his arms. Quietly, he stepped through the door. On the other side, Marty was well again... and she loved him. She wrapped her arms around Todd, raising her lips up to his in a long, tender kiss. Todd got his greatest wish for Christmas- Marty's love.

After Todd had left, Irene closed the door, locking it again. She had just sent her son into another dimension. She figured it was the least she could do for him after all the hell she had put him through in the past. "Merry Christmas, Son," Irene said as she headed upstairs to be with Mitch.

THE END


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